Chapter 17: Ugh... Really?

I'm sitting home alone silently suffering from this wretched disease. All I want is to feel better. And to vomit. Vomitting would be nice, but only if it made this awful nausea go away.

And even with some Pepto Bismol caplets in me, I still think I'm going to have more diarrhea.

And it's just going to be like this for dog knows how long.

And the big question is, am I feeling this way because I have the placebo pills? Or is it just a bad couple of days?

Do I stop the pills, which could potentially help if I actually have the drug, or do I continue to stay on them, knowing that they might be placebos and the shitty way I'm feeling could be stopped if I go back to my old medication?

I don't WANT to go back to the old medication. I was a zombie on it. I had no emotion. No sex drive. Side effects I could do without.

But my pain was better, and I sure as hell did NOT feel this shitty every day.

Crying would be nice, too, but then again, it's not going to help anything. And it will probably make the headache I'm getting even worse.

I just can't win.

-Grizzly Girl