Chapter 25: A New Day Has Begun

We signed the lease today! And we're moving everything tomorrow! I'm so excited and so tired! Ha ha!

-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 24: Away We Go!

So, I began my quest to find an apartment so we could move. I began this quest 2 weeks ago. And now, we have one week to move into this place.

It all went so quickly!

I started looking, and replied to a few things I had seen online. I set up a showing of one of the places, and within 5 days, we had applied and been approved for it.

They even gave us a really great offer: move in January first, and pay the security deposit (which is a full month’s rent) and HALF of the month of January… how awesome is that?!

And this new place is exactly 6 minutes from where I work.

I could not be more excited!

So, needless to say, this next week will be full of packing and getting things ready to move. I probably won’t be on here during that time, since I have to work from 8:00 AM – 7:00 PM Tuesday through Thursday.

I almost feel like we don’t have enough time to pack things up!

And it really doesn't help that we're supposed to get almost 2 feet of snow overnight tonight. Ha ha!

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas

-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 23: 'Tis the Season

Christmas is just over a week away, and I haven’t even put up our tree yet. It makes the apartment look sad and empty. It makes me sad and empty. Or, rather, more sad and empty than I already am.

B and I had a lengthy talk (when I say lengthy, I really only mean about 30 minutes) about how unhappy I am here. About how I hate living in New Hampshire – even though I’ve lived here my whole life – because I feel like there’s nothing here for either of us. About how, if he happens to lose his job, he won’t have anywhere else to work, because he works in the printing business, and all of the printing companies in the area have shut down because more and more people are relying on the internet for their advertisements. About how my career choices are restricted in this part of the country, because all I really want is to work in a zoo. About how the cold weather kills my body because of my fibromyalgia. About how hard it is financially to live in this part of the country, because even a studio apartment can cost upwards of $800.

I need out of this place. For my happiness. For my health. For every reason you can imagine.

But B becomes panicky is you mention change.

Change of diet? Panic. Change of work schedule? Panic. Change of location, which involves moving more than halfway across the country? Total meltdown.

Yes, halfway across the country. I believe “Inception” got the wording right…

“What is the most resilient parasite? A bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient, highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to irradiate. An idea that is fully formed, fully understood. That sticks, right in there somewhere.”

Prescott, Arizona has become the resilient parasite in my mind.

I need to live there. I have to live there.

And who planted this nasty little virus? B, of course. With my help, undoubtedly. But he still gave me the idea.

How, you ask?

About a year ago, I asked him, “If you could live anywhere in the United States, where would you live?” He gave me 3 answers, and Prescott was one of them. This, in turn, gave me permission to look up these three places, and to choose which one I liked the best. (Or, so my mind told me.)

Prescott was the obvious choice. It was a small town, had everything we needed, had the best geological placement, and would mean that we could start over. The housing was cheap. The town itself seemed perfect. The only thing stopping us? His fear of change.

Don’t get me wrong – I totally understand where he’s coming from. You can’t be certain that you’re going to be happy and able to thrive if you just pick up and move. I get that. But I had a plan for that, as well.

We would save up money and take a lengthy vacation. 2 weeks or so. Go out. Explore the area. Look at places to live. Find places to work.

Once we found everything, we could move.

(Understand this: we would do our research before we even left for the vacation. We would contact potential employers and set up our interviews before we even got there. The same goes for housing. We would plan our life before we even got to our destination.)

But this still made him shy away from the idea.

So instead, we talked.

He understands that I’m not happy here with a lot of things, but he doesn’t equate happiness with where you live. And that totally baffles me.

He figures, if you’re unhappy with your life, you should do something to change it. (Um, hello! Wouldn’t moving change it?) If you’re unhappy with your job, find a new one. If you want more friends, go out and make them. If you’re unhappy with your house or apartment, find somewhere else to live.

This, coming from a man who is all of the above, but has done nothing to change it. Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?

And so, again, we talked.

And so we’re going to move. But not to Arizona. We’re going to move closer to the city, and find a better apartment. One that doesn’t have mold on the ceiling. One that doesn’t cost $300 per month to heat because the insulation is so poor that it just seeps right out of the house. One that isn’t almost an hour away from any normal civilization. He’s open to that. A lot more open to that than moving 2,700 miles away from here.

And so my search has begun.

I have been given permission to look for other housing options. And boy have I been looking.

And this looking basically hit a wall yesterday – a wall that I totally understand, but am not happy about because I want these changes in my life right now.

He wants to wait until Christmas and the holiday season is over.

Okay. I get that. The holidays are stressful.

But it doesn’t mean that I have to like it.



And so, on to other news.

I got home from work the other day to walk in the door and find one of my Christmas presents sitting right here on the floor. It irritated me, but excited me. B had ordered it off of the internet, and the company decided to ship it in a box that has the product’s name written all over it.

How genius is that, especially in the holiday season?

I panicked. Thankfully, B wasn’t home, so I had time to figure this situation out.

I couldn’t just leave it there on the floor. It was literally right inside of the door. He would know that I saw the packaging, and that I would know what my gift was, and he would be upset.

I took 10 minutes to figure out my plan.

I brought it back over to the landlords’ and asked them if they would keep it at their place until B was home and I was not. This way, it would look like I had never seen the package, and b could have substantial time to hide it from me.

My plan was perfect, and as far as I know, the package is now sitting upstairs – a place I dare not go, since our staircase, if you can call it that, is at an almost 90 degree angle, and I am constantly falling down them.

So what am I getting, you ask?

A Keurig coffee brewer!

You know, those newfangled coffee machines that make a single cup of coffee from those tiny little plastic cups? Yeah! One of those!

I’m so excited!

Although, knowing that I have one just sitting and waiting for me is horrible. I know I have access to a coffee machine, and my body is now craving coffee. It’s unfair, I tell you!

And I know it’s totally mean, but I have seriously been fucking with his head now.

I got home the other day (right after they would have brought it over to him) and I asked, “Did I receive a package in the mail today?” This is a completely legitimate question, because I’m waiting for our Christmas cards to arrive! But, the look on his face was priceless. He got all nervous and said, “Uh… no… um… why… why would you be expecting a package?” Ha!

And every now and then, I’ll calmly say, “I could SO go for a cup of coffee right now”.

And I created a “Wishlist” through Amazon and e-mailed him the link to it, even though I knew he had gotten me something already. He had created a wishlist and emailed it to me beforehand, so my reply was, “Oh, and here's MY wish list. Take a peek. It'll help you shop, maybe?”

I keep having the urge to begin going up the stairs, just to see what his reaction would be.

I’m evil, I know.

-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 22: 28 Days Later

I haven’t written in 28 days, but I actually have a legitimate excuse this time! I’ve been really sick. So sick, that I ended up in the Emergency room one night. Here’s a timeline I created for the doctor to explain everything I was going through.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

- ate less than a quarter of dinner because I got full very quickly. (When I say less, I mean 4 bites of corn. And that’s it.)

Thursday, November 4

- woke up at 4:00 AM with horrible belly pain; rolled around and tried to fall asleep again

- alarm went off at 6:00 AM

- sat up, and burped up a small amount of vomit; very nauseous

- went into bathroom; no vomit; tried to have a bowel movement, but very little came out

- left for work (no breakfast)

- nauseous all day, with horrible belly pain

- got home at 6:00 PM; laid down on couch, no food – not hungry/nausea

- 9:00 PM nausea got worse; went into bathroom and vomited partially undigested dinner from 24 hours prior

- belly pain and nausea still persisted, but got slightly better after vomiting, but came back worse about an hour later

Friday, November 5

- woke up to bad belly pain

- not hungry, but tried to eat a banana; as soon as it hit my stomach, I got even worse pain

- had weird, deep growly burps all day

- tried to eat a bagel mid-afternoon, but had a repeat episode of pain as before

- laid on couch all day curled into a ball; getting up and walking made the pain worse

- 8:00 PM, ate a veggie burger and ~ 2 handfuls of fries; pain got worse when food got to stomach

- still not hungry; still burping and having random hiccups

Saturday, November 6

- went to work without eating – not hungry

- still very painful; seems to get worse as the day goes on

* even drinking water causes pain to get worse

* pain comes in waves; always there, but will be dull and then get really bad; feels like a burning, tearing, pressure pain

So, I got out of work at 1:00 PM, and as soon as I got home, we went to the hospital. We waited in the waiting room for a couple of hours.

Although, we did have some nice entertainment…

We were sitting at the back of the waiting room, right next to the phone. A little old man had been discharged, and came over to call someone for a ride home. The person he was talking to must have asked what was going on, because he replied, “Oh, I’m fine. I just have the what-cha-ma-call-its”. It was so adorable! I turned to B, and hard the hardest time not giggling.

After the older man had left, we saw a police car pull up to the entrance. He sat there for a few minutes, and then a nurse walked out with a patient, and a man who I’m assuming was the patient’s father. The patient was a younger male, I would guess to be older teens. They were going to put the kid in the back of the police car, and when they opened the door for him to get in, he ran away! Now, let me point out to you that the hospital we were at had a parking lot right outside of the front door. However, this parking lot was actually the top level of a parking garage. We jumped to our feet and watched as the kid ran to the corner of the lot, only to realize that he was 3 stories above the ground! The police officer had no hesitations, and actually jumped onto the kid, tackling him to the ground! After they had him securely handcuffed, the officer walked him back to the car, and he and another officer hog-tied the kid into the car.

We have no idea why the kid was being put into custody – a suicide attempt? A crime that he got hurt while doing? No clue. Either way, he’ll be charged now for resisting arrest.

So back to my part of the story. I got my blood drawn, and gave a urine sample. This (other than the horrendous pain I was in) was my first clue that something was wrong. My pee was the color of a penny, and so cloudy that you couldn’t see through it. The only was I can compare it to anything, is to say that it looked like a darker apple cider. Yeah… so not healthy.

I was put into an exam room, and the doctor came in almost immediately. She asked for a history of what had been going on. She pushed on my belly, and it hurt worse than the pain I was dealing with already! She said she wanted me to get some x-rays done of my stomach, to see what was going on in there. Then told me that she was going to have someone come in to start an IV, because I was obviously dehydrated.

The nurse came in to start my IV. As previously stated, I was extremely dehydrated. The nurse had a really hard time finding a good vein. So she used the only one that she could…

It hurt so badly to have that put in! I’ve had IVs put in before – numerous times – but never anything in this spot. Of course, my mind started freaking out, because I could swear that I could feel it in me. It hurt a little when I moved, so I tried to keep my arm as still as possible. This, of course, caused my Fibromyalgia to flare up, and the muscles around the catheter started to spasm. I tried my best to calm myself down so my muscles would relax, but it still took me about an hour or so to be comfortable with it.

I was rolled down to the radiology department to get x-rays taken of my belly. It only took 10 or so minutes, and I was back in the room.

The doctor came in shortly after that. She told me she was going to give me something for the pain, and was going to review the x-rays.

The nurse came back in, and gave me a really strong painkiller. However, it didn’t help the pain. It only made me slightly disoriented, and very exhausted.

The doctor came back in, and explained that I had an “extensive amount of feces throughout my intestines”, but that part of my x-ray was highlighted, and they were wondering if I had another obstruction.

Side note: I had my gallbladder removed in April 2007. The scar tissue from that surgery had slowly wrapped itself around my intestines (called an obstruction), and the blood flow and digestion were cut off. I was one sick puppy, and was on the verge of dying. So, the doctor was wondering if that’s what was going on again.

She said she was going to send me for a CAT scan, and that I had to drink a contrast that would highlight itself on the scan, showing if I was still able to digest/move food.

At this point, B and I were so tired (it was 8:30 PM now) that , when the doctor left the room, we joked about what she said. Of course, the typical “you’re full of shit!” was thrown around. Hey, at least we were able to make light of the situation.

The CAT scan technician came down with the contrast. It was barium. Yuck! (Barium is a very thick, chalky liquid that will show up on x-rays ad scans. Drinking it can be very gag inducing.) She told me to drink one of them now, and to wait an hour and drink the other, and we would do the scan at 10:30.

She left the room, and B and I inspected the bottles. I had to drink a liter of this stuff. And it was raspberry flavored. To which the jokes began again. “Raspberrium” was what we eventually called it.

(This is the exact kind I had!)

B was hungry and really worried, but I made him leave the hospital to go find something to eat. We knew we wouldn’t be getting out of there until at least midnight, if I wasn’t admitted first.

He left, and left me with a giant stack of magazines, although I couldn’t read them very good, because the painkiller had blurred my vision.

10:30 rolls around, and the CAT scan tech comes to bring me to the testing room. I wave goodbye to B, and get rolled down the hallway.

Around 11:30, the doctor came back into the room, and said that the CAT scan showed no obstruction, so my main problem was that I was obstipated (full of poop, even though I was still having my daily bowel movements). Essentially, because of my Fibromyalgia, my digestive system had just stopped. I had food just sitting in my stomach, food sitting in my intestines, and poop backed up to the beginning of my small inestine. She wanted me to pick up some magnesium citrate, and drink it at home. Otherwise, I was free to go.

And then I started crying. I couldn’t stop. All joking aside, I was literally in pain and vomiting because I was full of poop. His family knew I was going to the ER, my family knew I was going to the ER… how was I supposed to tell people that I was just constipated? I was so embarrassed. I couldn’t even look at B on the way home.

Yes, I realize that it was a much better outcome than needing emergency surgery for a life-threatening problem. But really? I was extremely sick because of poop? Honestly, I would rather have had it be the obstruction.

So anyway, we got home really late, and went to bed. The next day, I was still hurting, so we went to the pharmacy/grocery store to do our shopping and pick up the magnesium citrate.

Have any of you ever heard of this stuff? I’ve had to have it once before, and it is not fun. It’s SO sour. So incredibly sour. I gag just getting a teaspoon of it into my mouth. And she wanted me to drink a half-liter of it. Great. I was in for a fun filled day.

I didn’t have to go into work on Monday, so I decided to drink it then. (It can take 30 minutes to 6 hours for it to start working, and you will most likely be pooping for over 24 hours, so she wanted me to wait until I had a day where I could be home for more then 24 hours.)

I drank all of it (well, a small part of it was saved, just so B could take a sip and know what I was going through). And it took a couple of hours for it to work. But when it started to work… oh dear god. The only way I can describe what happened, is to say that it was literally raining out of my ass. No, pouring is more like it.

It was horrible.

So, now let’s jump forward to today.

I’m still having stomach pain. Not nearly as bad, but it’s still there. And I know, I really should go to the doctor, but I don’t have the time right now. I have a follow-up appointment with my general care doctor on the 30th, so I’ll bring it up then. But, as of right now, I can’t go until then.

And so here we are, November 22, 2010. Thanksgiving is 3 days away, and B and I have no plans. You see, we would have had plans had I been TOLD of the plans more than a week before Thanksgiving. I was told last Wednesday that we were invited to Tennessee to go to his uncle’s house. I had already asked for Friday and Saturday off (it’s my birthday weekend… I don’t want to work), but to drive the 17 hour drive, I would also need Wednesday off, as well. Unfortunately, I can’t get anyone to cover for me, so now we’re going to sit at home by ourselves.

I swear, men can be so fricken retarded!

Eh, at least we’ll be together, right? That's all that matters. ♥

I feel like there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I can’t remember what… I guess I’ve written enough for now (I’m up to 3 ½ pages on Microsoft Word – hah!).

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Or, on a not-so-comical note: 

-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 21: 99 Things

This list is just for fun, seen on some other blogs... Bold the things you’ve done and post on your blog! (I've added my thoughts/stories to the ones I have done in Italics...)

1. Started your own blog Duh

2. Slept under the stars I slept outside on my trampoline a few times as a child

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower Amazing!

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland

8. Climbed a mountain I think the only one I have fully accomplished was when I was 6 or 7...

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm I recorded one in Colorado. It was amazing, especially since we were surrounded by the Rockies!

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch Does scrapbooking count?

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning I think so...

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight 3 days after I had stitches put in on my eyelid... some of which were conveniently ripped out by my cousin's damn pillow...

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill Who hasn't?

24. Built a snow fort And then had it crushed by a friend

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping This is one of the most freeing things you can ever do - I highly recommend trying it!

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse When I was in first grade. We made these special little viewing boxes, and went outside to watch!

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset Both, actually.

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person From the Canadian side!

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community We drove by many of them when I was in Pennsylvania, but never actually went TO one... does that count?

36. Taught yourself a new language Not a fully speakable language, but I did pick up a book on how to speak Greek, and learned a few phrases. My favorite phrase? "The green duck is little." Yeah. Try going to Greece and saying that...

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing My boyfriend lives for this, so, naturally, I have participated

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance I'm pretty darn accident prone

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain Cliched and oh so romantic!

53. Played in the mud Yeah... we made giant mud balls. My mom wasn't too happy about it...

54. Gone to a drive-in theater We actually had one in the town I lived in when I was little!

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business As a teenager, I actually started my own pet-sitting business, and did pretty darn well for myself!

58. Taken a martial arts class I took Judo when I was 5, but quit shortly after because my mom's boyfriend forgot to pick me up, and it scared me.

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies Although, I didn't stay in the Girl Scouts for too long... it was too... girly...

62. Gone whale watching Very recently, actually!

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving The only plane I have ever been in, I jumped out of. Go figure.

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy I have probably 90% of the toys from my childhood in my mom's attic.

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job Not very fun.

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone Oh wow. Too many, actually. I've broken my nose 7 times. Let's just say I was a very clumsy child...

78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle My dad has always had one.

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox I had 3 when I was 4 years old... does that count?

89. Saved someone’s life Well, I've saved animals' lives before. I consider that a "done!"

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous A few, actually. Roger Clyne, Michael and Tre Twitty (Conway Twitty's son and grandson)

92. Joined a book club

93. Got a tattoo I have 3

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone In this day and age, it's rare for someone to NOT have one

99. Been stung by a bee I had a bee literally chase me for 20 feet before I fell off the curb, and then it stung me. :-\
 
-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 20: What a Horrific Day

So, here’s the story of what happened Saturday, which actually kind of begins the night before.

Friday night, I asked B if he was climbing on Saturday. (We have this thing where, if I work on Saturday, that’s the day he climbs, so we can actually spend time together on the weekends.) He said, "probably not", and I asked why. He told me that he just wasn’t feeling it this weekend. He was tired on Thursday when he climbed, and tired today (which was Friday), so he was most likely going to take the weekend off.

So, Saturday rolls around, and I got out of work at 1:00. When I got into my car, I took my phone out and checked for any missed texts or calls. I did have a missed call, but they didn’t leave a message, and it was a number I didn’t recognize, so I figured they had just gotten the wrong number.

I got home around 2:00, and B's car wasn’t in the driveway. As I pulled up closer to our section of the house, I saw that his climbing pads were sat outside, next to our door. (When you go rock climbing, the safe/responsible thing to do is to bring a climbing pad with you, so if you fall, you have something to land on.) When I got inside, I noticed that there was a bag of bread just left open on the counter, and that all of our garbage and recycling bins were gone. So, okay, he had gone to the dump. He had to take his climbing pads out of the car so he could fit the bins in the back. Gotcha.

The dump is only a 15-minute drive from the house. Once you’re there, it only takes maybe 10 minutes to empty the bins and throw the garbage away, and then, obviously, a 15-minute drive back.

3:30 came around, and I hadn’t heard anything from him. I was getting nervous, so I went around the house trying to find a note that said where he had gone. I couldn’t find one. I was getting increasingly nervous, because he knows to leave me a note letting me know where he’s going, and what time I could expect him to be home. (I’m a worry-wart. It was bred into me. My mother did the whole note thing, and when I was younger, I never understood it, but now I can fully comprehend why she asked me for these details.) I called his cell phone in hopes that he would pick up. Nothing. I got his voicemail. Of course, my mind started jumping to conclusions. What if he was on his way to the dump, and got into an accident? Yes, my mind automatically jumps to these horrible thoughts. It’s actually a part of my OCD and personality disorder. I know, it’s very irrational, but I can’t help it.

I decided to drive to the dump to see if, by some chance, he had gotten held up there for some reason, or worse, his car was in a ditch and he was hurt.

I checked every car driving by me to see if it was his, and none of them were. I pulled into the dump, and saw that none of the cars there were his, either. I thought, "I know he couldn’t have gone out climbing, because he would have brought his pads. He’s seen too many people get hurt because of some idiotic decision; he knows to be safe. He also has the recycling bins in his car, so it doesn’t make sense that he would bring them out there with him". On my way back home, I took a different route, just in case he had done the same thing and happened to be on that road. Nothing. I got home, and he still wasn’t here.

By this time, I had started getting chest paint and heart palpitations. Stress is really not good for a not-so-healthy heart.

I pulled out my cell phone, and was going to call him again, when I remembered the unknown caller from earlier in the afternoon. I had this brief moment of relief when I thought, "Oh, maybe he went somewhere, and his cell phone doesn’t have service, so he called my phone to let me know…"

(By the way… he’s incredibly bad at leaving me a message if he calls me and I can’t pick up. So, I figured that was what had happened.)

I didn’t just want to call the number in this babbling state I was in. (Did I mention that I had started to cry, and was shaking really badly? Yeah…) I decided to do the "Reverse Number" lookup on WhitePages.com and see who it was that called me. And that’s when I really broke down…

It was the hospital.

I started crying hysterically thinking that something had happened to him. Why wouldn’t they leave a message?! What if it was the doctor who was taking care of him in the emergency room, and he had to hang up suddenly because B had started to crash?! I couldn’t control the horrible thoughts. The only solution I could think of was to call that emergency room and ask if B had been taken there. (This actually happens to be the same hospital that my cardiologist is in, but I knew they weren’t open on the weekend, and figured they would have left a message…)

In some moment of clarity, I decided to try his cell phone again, just in case.

And he answered.

"Where are you?!" I half asked, half cried.

"What? What’s wrong?!" he asked.

"Where have you been?!"

"What’s wrong, honey? What’s going on?" he asked again.

By this time, I was getting angry because he wasn’t answering me. (I know, he was concerned because I was crying, which upset him and he wanted to make sure I was okay. I can see this now. But at the time, I wanted to know where he was, and that he was okay, and he was dodging my questions with more questions.)

"Where the fuck have you been?!" I snapped.

"I went out to the park. Are you okay? What’s wrong?" he asked. ("The Park" being the state park in town where he goes climbing.)

I was crying so hard, and was so angry, that I couldn’t talk, and just hung up.

When he got home, I think he thought that I was super pissed at him and wouldn’t talk to him, so he just went upstairs and didn’t say anything to me for almost 2 hours. (Yes, I was angry, partially because I had no note letting me know he was okay, but also partially because I get so worked up over the smallest things, and I hate when I do that.)

He came downstairs when I was in the bathroom washing my hands, and just hugged me. I started crying again, and he asked what was wrong. I told him the whole story of what had happened. All he could do was hug me and say, "Oh honey…"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I still don’t know why he was out there. I don’t think he was climbing, so the only logical thing I can think of was that he wanted to go take pictures.

And I know, I majorly overreacted, but like I said, I can't help it. Things like that happen to me naturally.

But, I can definitely say that he knows now to leave me a note.

-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 19: My Bucket List AKA Things To Do In Life

After watching the movie "The Bucket List" a couple of months ago, I was inspired to make my very own (Bucket List, not movie). So, in no particular order (honestly - this is just how it came out of my head onto the paper I originally wrote it on, and it is ever expanding) and with plenty of pictures to keep you entertained, here is...

My Bucket List

 Go to Australia (I've been in love with this place since the 3rd grade) 

 Pet a grizzly bear (naturally... hello! I am Grizzly Girl!)

 Get married (*dreamy sigh*)

 Go on an African safari (nature, animals, warm weather... what's NOT to love?)

 Go to Hawaii (another obsessive place for me)

 Feel 100% beautiful (with this, I mean beautiful inside and out... I want to love who I am)

 Own a mastiff (my favorite breed... they really can get this big!)

 Go to Greece (the third obsession in my travel itinerary)

 Have kids (to complete my happy little family - can't decide if I want 2 or 3)

 Meet Johnny Depp (preferably dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow ha ha!)

 Take surf lessons (possibly on my trip to Hawaii?)

 Learn to speak Greek (before I take that trip to Greece, though)

 Take dance lessons (I love watching Riverdance!)

 Perform a surgery (legally, a vet tech cannot do this, but I would SO love to - love this picture, by the way!)

 Experience true love (ACCOMPLISHED!)

 Be completely happy (in every aspect of my life, all at the same time)

 Swim with dolphins (I almost cry everytime I see the commercial to do this)

 Go on a road trip and see an odd attraction in all 50 states (the largest ball of string? Yes please! the Empire State Building? no thanks...)

 Meet Morgan Spurlock (he did the documentary "Super Size Me" and has the awesome show "30 Days")

 Plan my own wedding (who wants someone else's vision on their dream wedding day? and by the way, I've already started!)

 

So, what do you want to do in your lifetime?

-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 18: Bad Me. I'm A Bad Author.

So, I had said that I would update more as the drug trial went on, but as you can see, that didn't happen so well.

Good news, though! I'm out of the trial!

I've actually been out since just a couple of days after my last post. The nurse at the study was like, "Yeah... I don't like the way you're feeling. I think I should drop you from the trial". And that was it.

I did, however, get some samples of the REAL medication from her. I have been taking them, and they are okay. I don't get full pain relief from them, but I'm also starting at a low dose, so maybe as I work my way up, it will be more beneficial. The only downfall is that my stupid insurance doesn't want to pay for it, so now my doctor and I are jumping through their hoops, putting me on new medications that are NOT working, just to get the new "miracle drug". It better be worth it. Hah!

(Hah! I wish!)

Other than that, things have been the same around here for the most part.

Oh oh oh! We celebrated B's 30th birthday yesterday! Happy birthday to him! I took him out to see a movie (Easy A, which was incredibly funny and I highly recommend it to y'all), and then out for sushi (yuck! His choice, not mine). He is all down about being 30, but I keep telling him that, to me, it makes him even more sexy. He's more mature, and I love that!

We also had an earthquake Saturday night! Creepy! They are rare for around this area, and when we do get them, they are rarely felt. But this one... Oh man! We both felt and heard this one! The whole house shook, and it sounded like the water heater under our house was about to explode! Not something I was to experience for a while.

What else... what else...

I have been semi-promoted at work! I am now a surgery technician for one of the doctors at our hospital! I didn't ask for it, and was just thrown right in which scared the hell out of me, but I am now enjoying it more.

Hmmmm. I think that's it for now. I should make myself an alert on my phone to update at least once a week. I'll try!

-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 17: Ugh... Really?

I'm sitting home alone silently suffering from this wretched disease. All I want is to feel better. And to vomit. Vomitting would be nice, but only if it made this awful nausea go away.

And even with some Pepto Bismol caplets in me, I still think I'm going to have more diarrhea.

And it's just going to be like this for dog knows how long.

And the big question is, am I feeling this way because I have the placebo pills? Or is it just a bad couple of days?

Do I stop the pills, which could potentially help if I actually have the drug, or do I continue to stay on them, knowing that they might be placebos and the shitty way I'm feeling could be stopped if I go back to my old medication?

I don't WANT to go back to the old medication. I was a zombie on it. I had no emotion. No sex drive. Side effects I could do without.

But my pain was better, and I sure as hell did NOT feel this shitty every day.

Crying would be nice, too, but then again, it's not going to help anything. And it will probably make the headache I'm getting even worse.

I just can't win.

-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 16: Imagine

I just found this online, and I feel likt it's SO true. For all of you non-fibromyalgia sufferers out there...

"Imagine"

By Christine Livingston


Imagine never feeling good, when you know of no reason not to feel good.

Imagine feeling pain in multiple areas of your body for no apparent reason.

Imagine feeling like your verbal and motor skills are impaired when they were fine a minute ago.

Imagine feeling like you have missed sleep for a week when you have just gotten out of bed.

Imagine something going wrong with your body everyday, when you have done nothing out of the ordinary.

Imagine having uncontrollable shakes and tremors and shocks of pain run through you, and disappear as quickly as they came; leaving you awaiting their return.

Imaging having to live a "normal" life in society, yet knowing your abnormalities will mess that up for you anytime of any day.

Imagine striving to be the best Mother and Wife you could be and being left to feel useless many times over awaiting to feel normal again.

You have now imagined what it is like to be me. I live with Fibromyalgia.


-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 15: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

So, this drug trial thing… not sure that I’m liking it. I really am beginning to think that I am “one of the unlucky ones” who got the placebo packs. I feel horrible. I’ve been trying to keep a journal of each symptom I have so they can tell me if it’s from the pills or not. I think most of my updates about this whole thing will be my journal entries from now on. They really sum up what I’m going through.

So, here we go.


8-8-10     Days on the Pill: 1

Had bad leg cramp while sleeping. It woke me up. Cramped so badly that I have a bruise about the size of a Tootsie Roll on the top of my R calf. I have done this before, though.

I also feel “off”. Woke up with a headache; not very rested. My stomach also feels different. Slight nausea, too, but Grizzly Boy (my boyfriend; changed his name for privacy) is reporting the same feeling. Who knows. (@ 7:45 PM)


8-10-10    Days on the Pill: 3

Neck, shoulders, and back and chest muscles have been tight for a good 18 hours. Began last night. We also had semi-strong thunderstorms last night. Not sure if the weather has anything to do with it… (@ 1:56 PM)


8-17-10    Days on the Pill: 10

Been too tired/drained from work to keep a daily log.

Had facial numbness/pain around my L eye that spread to my L cheek and ear. This lasted 10+ hours. I had done this before going on this pill, though. This incidence was sometime last week.

Sprained my ankle Friday (the 13th, of course). I was just walking and my ankle came out from under me. This is VERY common for me, though. So common, in fact, that I had to have surgery in 2005 to repair/reconstruct it.

Sunday (the 15th) I woke up feeling horrible. I was… “out of it”, I guess it what you could call it. I just didn’t feel normal. My brain was very foggy, I got slightly confused easily, felt semi-nauseous, and had diarrhea most of the day.

Yesterday was the same thing, except I was in immense pain. The muscles in my back, sides, and stomach physically hurt when I woke up. I couldn’t bend over without wincing in pain. I was so nauseous when I woke up, I felt like I was going to vomit. I also had diarrhea all day. At work, the pain got worse, and I could barely squeeze a bottle sprayer to clean. When I got home from work, I couldn’t sit still and get comfortable without some other part of my body hurting. I was very emotional, too. Literally on the brink of crying all day.

Today, I think I might be in less pain, but I haven’t moved around too much. I did wake up with diarrhea and nausea, though. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how the rest of the day goes… (@10:18 AM)

-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 14: Trial and Error

A couple of weeks ago, I saw a commercial on TV that intrigued me.

“Do you currently suffer from Fibromyalgia?”

Yes…

“Are you on the medication Cymbalta and not happy with it?”

Yes…

“We may be able to help. Call out number, or visit our website to see how”.

And so I did. I went to the website, and found out that a medical group 2 hours away from us is doing a drug study on a new medication for Fibromyalgia. They want to see if it works better than the medication I’m currently on (Cymbalta). I took a pre-qualification questionnaire, and was approved.

2 weeks ago, I drove down to meet with the medical group. I was approved for the study.

I’m currently on the highest dose of Cymbalta. I have to be on that for 2 weeks straight.

Then I will be on a taper dose for a couple of weeks.

Then I will get a new pill. Neither I nor the doctor of the study group will know what I’m on. I will either be on the Cymbalta again, a placebo of Cymbalta, a placebo of the new drug, or the actual new drug. I won’t EVER find out which I was on, not even when the study is finished.

I’m not happy with the Cymbalta. It has helped with the pain very slightly, but not as much as I would like. And it gives me bad side effects. Since I’ve been on it, I have had NO sex drive. I used to be a very… sexually enthusiastic person. Now, I could care less. And the Cymbalta makes me VERY hot. Like today… we had the AC on at work, and I was still soaked in my sweat. It doesn’t matter what I do, I’m just always very hot.

I’m hoping I get the new medication. I have an 80% chance of getting it. I have to go back down to the study group on Friday, and we’ll see where we go from here.

Expect me to update more on how I’m dealing with all of this. I’m sure that if none of the drugs are working and I’m in a lot of pain, I’ll need to vent a lot. (And sorry for not updating in… months. I haven’t had the drive to write…)

-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 13: Happy Birthday To You!

Aloha all!

This blog hasn't had much activity because, well, not much is going on. Work work work for me!

As promised, here are the pictures from Karamel's birthday party!

The birthday girl is enjoying her new "baby", Monkey Baby!

Her new friend, Kishko, opens her present... Her first ever Pink Bunny Baby!

She really liked it!

She also liked her Blue Man Baby. All day, she would take her toys and put them in one giant pile!

Zebra Baby!

I thought he was cute!

Kishko was very hyper, and that's not something Karamel was used to. She would sit under the table with her Monkey Baby, and stay cool in the shade, and also be out of Kishko's way.

Pup-Cakes! All vegan, and very yummy! The loved them!

-Grizzly Girl