Christmas is just over a week away, and I haven’t even put up our tree yet. It makes the apartment look sad and empty. It makes me sad and empty. Or, rather, more sad and empty than I already am.
B and I had a lengthy talk (when I say lengthy, I really only mean about 30 minutes) about how unhappy I am here. About how I hate living in New Hampshire – even though I’ve lived here my whole life – because I feel like there’s nothing here for either of us. About how, if he happens to lose his job, he won’t have anywhere else to work, because he works in the printing business, and all of the printing companies in the area have shut down because more and more people are relying on the internet for their advertisements. About how my career choices are restricted in this part of the country, because all I really want is to work in a zoo. About how the cold weather kills my body because of my fibromyalgia. About how hard it is financially to live in this part of the country, because even a studio apartment can cost upwards of $800.
I need out of this place. For my happiness. For my health. For every reason you can imagine.
But B becomes panicky is you mention change.
Change of diet? Panic. Change of work schedule? Panic. Change of location, which involves moving more than halfway across the country? Total meltdown.
Yes, halfway across the country. I believe “Inception” got the wording right…
“What is the most resilient parasite? A bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient, highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to irradiate. An idea that is fully formed, fully understood. That sticks, right in there somewhere.”
Prescott, Arizona has become the resilient parasite in my mind.
I need to live there. I
have to live there.
And who planted this nasty little virus? B, of course. With my help, undoubtedly. But he still gave me the idea.
How, you ask?
About a year ago, I asked him, “If you could live anywhere in the United States, where would you live?” He gave me 3 answers, and Prescott was one of them. This, in turn, gave me permission to look up these three places, and to choose which one I liked the best. (Or, so my mind told me.)
Prescott was the obvious choice. It was a small town, had everything we needed, had the best geological placement, and would mean that we could start over. The housing was cheap. The town itself seemed perfect. The only thing stopping us? His fear of change.
Don’t get me wrong – I totally understand where he’s coming from. You can’t be certain that you’re going to be happy and able to thrive if you just pick up and move. I get that. But I had a plan for that, as well.
We would save up money and take a lengthy vacation. 2 weeks or so. Go out. Explore the area. Look at places to live. Find places to work.
Once we found everything, we could move.
(Understand this: we would do our research before we even left for the vacation. We would contact potential employers and set up our interviews before we even got there. The same goes for housing. We would plan our life before we even got to our destination.)
But this still made him shy away from the idea.
So instead, we talked.
He understands that I’m not happy here with a lot of things, but he doesn’t equate happiness with where you live. And that totally baffles me.
He figures, if you’re unhappy with your life, you should do something to change it. (Um, hello! Wouldn’t moving change it?) If you’re unhappy with your job, find a new one. If you want more friends, go out and make them. If you’re unhappy with your house or apartment, find somewhere else to live.
This, coming from a man who is all of the above, but has done
nothing to change it. Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?
And so, again, we talked.
And so we’re going to move. But not to Arizona. We’re going to move closer to the city, and find a better apartment. One that doesn’t have mold on the ceiling. One that doesn’t cost $300 per month to heat because the insulation is so poor that it just seeps right out of the house. One that isn’t almost an hour away from any normal civilization. He’s open to that. A lot more open to that than moving 2,700 miles away from here.
And so my search has begun.
I have been given permission to look for other housing options. And boy have I been looking.
And this looking basically hit a wall yesterday – a wall that I totally understand, but am not happy about because I want these changes in my life
right now.
He wants to wait until Christmas and the holiday season is over.
Okay. I get that. The holidays are stressful.
But it doesn’t mean that I have to like it.
And so, on to other news.
I got home from work the other day to walk in the door and find one of my Christmas presents sitting right here on the floor. It irritated me, but excited me. B had ordered it off of the internet, and the company decided to ship it in a box that has the product’s name written all over it.
How genius is that, especially in the holiday season?
I panicked. Thankfully, B wasn’t home, so I had time to figure this situation out.
I couldn’t just leave it there on the floor. It was literally right inside of the door. He would know that I saw the packaging, and that I would know what my gift was, and he would be upset.
I took 10 minutes to figure out my plan.
I brought it back over to the landlords’ and asked them if they would keep it at their place until B was home and I was not. This way, it would look like I had never seen the package, and b could have substantial time to hide it from me.
My plan was perfect, and as far as I know, the package is now sitting upstairs – a place I dare not go, since our staircase, if you can call it that, is at an almost 90 degree angle, and I am constantly falling down them.
So what am I getting, you ask?
A Keurig coffee brewer!
You know, those newfangled coffee machines that make a single cup of coffee from those tiny little plastic cups? Yeah! One of those!
I’m so excited!
Although, knowing that I have one just sitting and waiting for me is horrible. I know I have access to a coffee machine, and my body is now craving coffee. It’s unfair, I tell you!
And I know it’s totally mean, but I have seriously been fucking with his head now.
I got home the other day (right after they would have brought it over to him) and I asked, “Did I receive a package in the mail today?” This is a completely legitimate question, because I’m waiting for our Christmas cards to arrive! But, the look on his face was priceless. He got all nervous and said, “Uh… no… um… why… why would you be expecting a package?” Ha!
And every now and then, I’ll calmly say, “I could SO go for a cup of coffee right now”.
And I created a “Wishlist” through Amazon and e-mailed him the link to it, even though I knew he had gotten me something already. He had created a wishlist and emailed it to me beforehand, so my reply was, “Oh, and here's MY wish list. Take a peek. It'll help you shop, maybe?”
I keep having the urge to begin going up the stairs, just to see what his reaction would be.
I’m evil, I know.
-Grizzly Girl
