Love Is In The Air ♥

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Chapter 17: Ugh... Really?

I'm sitting home alone silently suffering from this wretched disease. All I want is to feel better. And to vomit. Vomitting would be nice, but only if it made this awful nausea go away.

And even with some Pepto Bismol caplets in me, I still think I'm going to have more diarrhea.

And it's just going to be like this for dog knows how long.

And the big question is, am I feeling this way because I have the placebo pills? Or is it just a bad couple of days?

Do I stop the pills, which could potentially help if I actually have the drug, or do I continue to stay on them, knowing that they might be placebos and the shitty way I'm feeling could be stopped if I go back to my old medication?

I don't WANT to go back to the old medication. I was a zombie on it. I had no emotion. No sex drive. Side effects I could do without.

But my pain was better, and I sure as hell did NOT feel this shitty every day.

Crying would be nice, too, but then again, it's not going to help anything. And it will probably make the headache I'm getting even worse.

I just can't win.

-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 16: Imagine

I just found this online, and I feel likt it's SO true. For all of you non-fibromyalgia sufferers out there...


By Christine Livingston

Imagine never feeling good, when you know of no reason not to feel good.

Imagine feeling pain in multiple areas of your body for no apparent reason.

Imagine feeling like your verbal and motor skills are impaired when they were fine a minute ago.

Imagine feeling like you have missed sleep for a week when you have just gotten out of bed.

Imagine something going wrong with your body everyday, when you have done nothing out of the ordinary.

Imagine having uncontrollable shakes and tremors and shocks of pain run through you, and disappear as quickly as they came; leaving you awaiting their return.

Imaging having to live a "normal" life in society, yet knowing your abnormalities will mess that up for you anytime of any day.

Imagine striving to be the best Mother and Wife you could be and being left to feel useless many times over awaiting to feel normal again.

You have now imagined what it is like to be me. I live with Fibromyalgia.

-Grizzly Girl

Chapter 15: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

So, this drug trial thing… not sure that I’m liking it. I really am beginning to think that I am “one of the unlucky ones” who got the placebo packs. I feel horrible. I’ve been trying to keep a journal of each symptom I have so they can tell me if it’s from the pills or not. I think most of my updates about this whole thing will be my journal entries from now on. They really sum up what I’m going through.

So, here we go.

8-8-10     Days on the Pill: 1

Had bad leg cramp while sleeping. It woke me up. Cramped so badly that I have a bruise about the size of a Tootsie Roll on the top of my R calf. I have done this before, though.

I also feel “off”. Woke up with a headache; not very rested. My stomach also feels different. Slight nausea, too, but Grizzly Boy (my boyfriend; changed his name for privacy) is reporting the same feeling. Who knows. (@ 7:45 PM)

8-10-10    Days on the Pill: 3

Neck, shoulders, and back and chest muscles have been tight for a good 18 hours. Began last night. We also had semi-strong thunderstorms last night. Not sure if the weather has anything to do with it… (@ 1:56 PM)

8-17-10    Days on the Pill: 10

Been too tired/drained from work to keep a daily log.

Had facial numbness/pain around my L eye that spread to my L cheek and ear. This lasted 10+ hours. I had done this before going on this pill, though. This incidence was sometime last week.

Sprained my ankle Friday (the 13th, of course). I was just walking and my ankle came out from under me. This is VERY common for me, though. So common, in fact, that I had to have surgery in 2005 to repair/reconstruct it.

Sunday (the 15th) I woke up feeling horrible. I was… “out of it”, I guess it what you could call it. I just didn’t feel normal. My brain was very foggy, I got slightly confused easily, felt semi-nauseous, and had diarrhea most of the day.

Yesterday was the same thing, except I was in immense pain. The muscles in my back, sides, and stomach physically hurt when I woke up. I couldn’t bend over without wincing in pain. I was so nauseous when I woke up, I felt like I was going to vomit. I also had diarrhea all day. At work, the pain got worse, and I could barely squeeze a bottle sprayer to clean. When I got home from work, I couldn’t sit still and get comfortable without some other part of my body hurting. I was very emotional, too. Literally on the brink of crying all day.

Today, I think I might be in less pain, but I haven’t moved around too much. I did wake up with diarrhea and nausea, though. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how the rest of the day goes… (@10:18 AM)

-Grizzly Girl

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Chapter 14: Trial and Error

A couple of weeks ago, I saw a commercial on TV that intrigued me.

“Do you currently suffer from Fibromyalgia?”


“Are you on the medication Cymbalta and not happy with it?”


“We may be able to help. Call out number, or visit our website to see how”.

And so I did. I went to the website, and found out that a medical group 2 hours away from us is doing a drug study on a new medication for Fibromyalgia. They want to see if it works better than the medication I’m currently on (Cymbalta). I took a pre-qualification questionnaire, and was approved.

2 weeks ago, I drove down to meet with the medical group. I was approved for the study.

I’m currently on the highest dose of Cymbalta. I have to be on that for 2 weeks straight.

Then I will be on a taper dose for a couple of weeks.

Then I will get a new pill. Neither I nor the doctor of the study group will know what I’m on. I will either be on the Cymbalta again, a placebo of Cymbalta, a placebo of the new drug, or the actual new drug. I won’t EVER find out which I was on, not even when the study is finished.

I’m not happy with the Cymbalta. It has helped with the pain very slightly, but not as much as I would like. And it gives me bad side effects. Since I’ve been on it, I have had NO sex drive. I used to be a very… sexually enthusiastic person. Now, I could care less. And the Cymbalta makes me VERY hot. Like today… we had the AC on at work, and I was still soaked in my sweat. It doesn’t matter what I do, I’m just always very hot.

I’m hoping I get the new medication. I have an 80% chance of getting it. I have to go back down to the study group on Friday, and we’ll see where we go from here.

Expect me to update more on how I’m dealing with all of this. I’m sure that if none of the drugs are working and I’m in a lot of pain, I’ll need to vent a lot. (And sorry for not updating in… months. I haven’t had the drive to write…)

-Grizzly Girl